So, I've been super remiss in my blogging lately. Pretty much from June 2014 to March 2015- yep family scrapbook not so complete. Sorry! There are a TON of reasons for my lameness but one thing that helped me decide to take a little hiatus, was one of my sisters reminding me to stop stressing about blogging if I was getting behind, and just do what works for us. Especially since it's just the two of us, there isn't as much to blog about and such when you don't have adorable little kiddos to show off!
Speaking of kids, I've been very private about this subject. Mostly because it is such a private part of anyone's life. I've learned to hate the questions of, "So, you guys ever gonna have kids?" and the "Do you even want kids?" etc, etc... Why in the world people feel that it is appropriate and normal to ask things of such a private nature in a normal every day conversation is beyond me. It is also beyond me that people are still so in the dark about the private heartaches, struggles, and often impossible barriers so many couples face to having a family. If it was as easy to get pregnant as it is to get married in Vegas, then there would be NO need for this conversation. But I've learned from a very long, trying year for myself, that getting pregnant is not easy, not something you can plan perfectly, and rarely without heartache and trouble.
I don't mean to create a conversation about 'what's politically correct' for talking about pregnancy and children, but I do wish I could help others develop a greater sensitivity and awareness that popping out a baby is not something to joke about, ask about, or assume about. Because with each nonchalant question of curiosity, there is a woman's heart breaking inside her as she responds, "Yes, we'd love to have kids...." as she silently thinks through her head of the months of waiting, the devastation of miscarriage #1 and surgery, and the unbelievable miscarriage #2. She knows she is lucky- so many others so dear to her have had YEARS of nothing. Years of hoping and waiting and nothing. She's heard the stories online, the statistics of 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, etc... but somehow she never thought that could be her. Or maybe, she hoped that that would never have to be her. Like cancer, that horrible word that everyone hopes they'll never hear and as soon as it knocks on their door, they wish they could run away and hide.
Well, heartbreak and sorrow is a stranger that somehow always gets into our lives, in some form or another. Through recurrent illness, death of a loved one, loss of a friend, infertility... the list goes on and on. I think the hardest thing for me through this past year, is that miscarriage and infertility are so hard to talk about. When someone close to you dies, you tell loved ones and gather together and mourn their life and cry together. When you are sick, you ask for prayers and go to the doctor and hopefully get good medical care. But when you hear that you miscarried, again, and your heart just sinks, what do you do to cope? You just lost a life so incredibly dear to you, you are sick physically and emotionally, yet there's really not a socially acceptable place to talk about what you're going through.
I hope it's clear now that I'm obviously divulging our story. With great trepidation and wariness because I don't want the attention or to offend or anything negative in any way. But after many months of silence and private suffering with my dear, sweet, incredible husband I feel like it is time that I talk about my darkest moments, in hopes that those going through the same horror and heartbreak might know they aren't alone and that it does get better. Because, besides my mother and my husband when this nightmare began early September 2014 and we were told that I'd have surgery in two days to take care of my 1st miscarriage, I have never felt so alone and completely overwhelmed by grief. I didn't want anyone to know that didn't have to, and I don't really know why. I guess posting about your failures and malfunctions isn't really in my nature. I like to focus on the positive and help lift others up. Dwelling on the hard and bad doesn't help me or anyone.
But how do you cope when the doctor hands you papers as you get prepped for surgery that say, "missed abortion"? How do you cope when you bleed for days and days, knowing each day that you have no control over what's happening to your body? How do you cope when you didn't even get to say hello let alone goodbye to that little piece of hope and joy that you loved so much. How do you mentally handle the reality when it happens all over again just a few months later?
To be honest, I don't know how I coped. I don't know how I went to work or kept teaching primary or pretended among friends that I was perfectly fine. I was so far from fine. I was going through the motions hoping for a miracle, for a way that this reality could somehow not be real. I watched way too much TV, especially Gilmore Girls, and struggled to leave the house unless I had to.
Though I can't point to one specific moment in my mind where peace came, where relief came, I can tell you that without a doubt, the only way I have made it through these past few months is through the Lord. Despite my anger, my confusion, and often complete lack of faith, He didn't stop loving me. He kept sending little miracles in my life and people to come that helped lessen the load for a little while. It never went away completely though, I don't know if that pain and heartache will ever fully go away. But I do know that the enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ is real. And that God can and does work miracles in the most unlikely of circumstances we can possibly imagine. (More on that later).
I don't have a happy ending to this personal and sad post, but I do have faith in God's plan and His timing. Time can do wonders- I'm doing so much better now. All of this happened several months ago and I finally felt I was in right place to write and share our story. Brandon and I both hope that down the road we will have good news to share.
One last note, I wish I knew how to help comfort and mourn with those that are struggling through this same nightmare. Like me, most of us are so quiet about it. Wanting our privacy while we go through hell. Whether it be infertility or miscarriages or both you might be going through, I just want you to know that I'm praying for you. I love you. And it will and does get better. Somehow. Please reach out to me if you ever need a friend who understands a piece of this sorrow. I've found that one of the things that helped me the most was talking with close friends and realizing, "wait, you just had that too??" Man is there power in mourning and comforting each other.
I apologize for the highly personal nature of this blog post (which is usually filled with goofy pictures and our latest travels in DC), but I feel strongly that I needed to say something, somehow. I hope my words might bring some aid to anyone and remind them that they are not alone.
